Extra! Extra! Historic crime solved!!

Al-Qaida Leader Says He Kidnapped Lindbergh Baby
Pentagon Transcript Contains Confession

By KATIE BARADUR
APB

WASHINGTON (March 15) - Suspected 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confessed to the kidnapping of the infant son of famed aviator Charles Lindbergh in 1932, and a central role in a number of other infamous crimes in U.S. history, and also claimed to be the instigator of various daily household inconveniences, said a revised transcript released Thursday by the U.S. military.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, shown at his capture in 2003,
claimed responsibility for the Lindbergh kidnapping,
according to a document provided by the Pentagon.
"I snatched with my blessed right hand the baby of the famous American, Lucky Lindy, in Hopewell, New Jersey," Mohammed is quoted as saying in a transcript of a military hearing at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, released by the Pentagon.

"For those who would like to confirm, there are pictures of me on the Internet holding his dirty diaper," he added.

Mohammed's claimed involvement in the infamous 1932 abduction of the 21-month old baby was among 4,768 attacks, plots, unsolved crimes, and household inconveniences he took responsibility for in a hearing Saturday at the U.S. naval prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, the Pentagon said.

It released the bulk of the transcript late Wednesday, but held back the section about the Lindbergh incident to allow time for Fox News to locate a Lindbergh relative to appear on air, said Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that it had learned that the transcripts released Wednesday evening had blacked out the reference to Mohammed's confession about the baby snatching. Charles Lindbergh Jr. was abducted in March 1932 from the Lindbergh estate in Hopewell, New Jersey while asleep in his bed. Mohammed has never been a suspect in the kidnapping, which took place before Mohammed was born.

Aviator Charles A. "Lucky Lindy" Lindbergh,
shown with his plane, "Spirit of St. Louis", and
his son, Charles Jr.
Sealing a legacy of historical notoriety, Mohammed portrayed himself as al-Qaida's most ambitious operational planner in a confession to a U.S. military tribunal that said he planned and supported a series of terrorist attacks and household annoyances. Many plans, including one that would cause all non-stick pots and pans to turn food cooked in them a garish neon purple, were never carried out or were foiled by international authorities.

"I was responsible for all this stuff," Mohammed said in a statement read Saturday during a Combatant Status Review Tribunal at the U.S. detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, "whatever you've got, I did it. Keep 'em coming." Mohammed's confession was read by a member of the U.S. military who is serving as his personal representative.

The Pentagon had released a 26-page transcript of the closed-door proceedings on Wednesday night. Some material was omitted, and it wasn't possible to immediately verify details. Whitman said authorities would decide how credible it is that Mohammed participated in so many plots and plans -- especially those which occured before his nominal date of birth -- if he is tried by a military tribunal, which many expect will eventually happen.

A Pentagon official, who spoke anonymously because it was more convenient for him to do so, said "We think there might be some stuff that he's confessing to just to take the heat off of others, so we're really going to be going over that list of confessions with a fine-toothed comb. Personally, I really doubt that he's responsible for waxy kitchen floor build-up, while some of my colleagues are dubious that al-Qaida would have spent so much time and energy on stealing socks from washers and dryers across the country."

Socks such as these have been reported missing
from home laundries and laund-o-mats across the country.
Officials are closely examining Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's
claim that al-Qaida is involved in the disappearances.
The official continued, "We know that they are a widespread and nefarious network with tendrils in every country of the world, with the singular exception of Saudi Arabia, so they're certainly capable of much more than the average Joe Sixpack would imagine, if they ever gave any thought to it. As responsible agents of the United States government, we have to assume that what Mohammed is saying is true until it's proven otherwise."

Officials in Hopewell had no comment.

Update: Officials: Plotter exaggerates claims (No shit.)